The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
