just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
