I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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