Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
