The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
