either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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