last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
