Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
