my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
