Grow some girl-balls and come out already
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
