pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
