when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
