That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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