I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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