i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
