i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dear god my vagina.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
