i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Still dying that you shit outside
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize