apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
