Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
