I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
