Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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