i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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