I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
