the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
