there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
