Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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