I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
