I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
