Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize