We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
