Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
