I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
