Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
