Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
