A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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