i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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