I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
