I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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