On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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