im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
