I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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