He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
