We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
