Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
