I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
