highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
