He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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