Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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