now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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