Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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