I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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