i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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