Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize