all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize