if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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