My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
