kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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