I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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