DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
