No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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