At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
