I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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