i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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