i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
