Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
