We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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