i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
