Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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